Sombering Realization

I've been noticing, more frequently than not, that I do NOT know how to have fun. All I know is to be "responsible" in every situation. I don't know how to be a "kid" and just enjoy the situations life brings. Tom and I had been talking about a different, somewhat unrelated issue a few nights ago and I burst into tears because what we had been talking about made me realize what was REALLY going on with me. The initial topic of conversation had NOTHING to do with me! Funny how God does that... Over the last few months, I've been really trying to figure out WHY I don't like to go do things that are different, unknown, or possibly even dangerous (certainly not life threatening--just "risky") and it took that conversation to bring it to the surface.

Thru my emotions that night, I realized it's because I was robbed. I was robbed of a childhood from the age of 10 on thru adulthood. I had to grow up way too fast and deal with a disease that NO ONE should ever have to deal with, especially a child. I had to face fears and struggles that no child should EVER have to look straight in the eye. I had to be around adults. Be responsible. Be brave. Be strong. I didn't get to do careless adventurous things like skiing with my friends. Gosh, I barely got to go sledding! I can't golf. I can't ski. I can't snowboard. I can't play baseball. I can't play basketball, tennis, or football. I can't, I can't, I can't... My physical limitation keeps me from them. I've accepted this and have positioned myself around this life. However, these are the things that I imagine are full of fun, adventure, and just pure "play" time. Childish playtime fun that I miss(ed) out on because of the past. Certainly NONE of those things are childish, but you can ACT like a child doing them and NO ONE cares. It's all about having fun. Did I go thru "normal" things tweens and teens go thru? Of course. The awkward "middle school years" curse, the "I have a crush" period, learning how to drive (and how TERRIBLE I was at it!), learning and instrument, figuring out where I fit in the social ladder... The list goes on! However, there were so many things I wasn't "allowed" to do because of my arm that I lost out on. Those fun, "dangerous", living-life-on-the-edge things that every child should have the opportunity to experience. I grew up knowing those were "dangerous" for me, even though for any regular human being, they're pretty much harmless. I wasn't allowed to be irresponsible and "risky". IF anything was ever to happen to my reconstructed arm, it would/could cost more money than I've made in my entire life up to this point, not to mention the pain and the fact that I have 3 children and a husband to take care of...

To sum it up: if there's a REMOTE possibility (literally, a .01%) of a risk of me getting hurt, I can't/shouldn't do it. That's what I've learned/believed in the last 18 years. As I continue searching this, seeking it out in order to take care of it and LET GO (literally), I'm learning that I've applied that deceptive motto to the most of my life, even in the little things. I'm learning that I make decisions out of fear. Fear of getting hurt, either physically or emotionally. I don't like to do many things because there's always a "risk" of getting hurt. This all sounds so ridiculous but it's so... me... right now. It's an awful place to live in. I've believed this lie long enough. I will conquer it.

So, for those of you around me (a few of you KNOW who you are...), I'm asking you to "push" me out of my comfort zone, taking into consideration that literally, I CAN'T swing a golf club or baseball bat, but CAN have so fun.

TO MY PARENTS: I want you both to know that you are NOT allowed to feel any guilt for this! It's ugly. It's weird. It's me--for now. You did the best you knew how to keep me and my arm safe. You followed what you felt God was speaking to you and for that, I'm eternally grateful. I can honestly say that, as a mother, I would do the same thing, knowing that in the long run it would be a better solution for my child. I love you both and am so thankful for you. :-)