Transition is such a funny thing. Sometimes it's a "good" transition--going from something bad/hard to something that's better, such as a new job. It seems though, that most times transition is a negative season of life. Maybe that's because we don't notice the positive times of transition? Or, maybe it's truly because transition, more times than not, is a hard season of life. Or MAYBE it's because the hard place we're in has to get better, but it takes working on the matters of the heart to get it better. I'm placing my bets on option 3. Transition is a season meant to stretch us beyond what we think we're capable of. So far so, that it feels if one more thing happens, we're going to break. I'm there. It's ugly. I'm learning so much about my own life: my issues, my breaking point (aka: daycare.), my ability to unconditionally love, my patience, what I am made of, the positive things I have to offer to any given relationship in my life... The list goes on. The ugliest parts of me are rearing their heads and it's a dark place. Those things NEED the Light shown on them so they can't exist any longer, however uncomfortable that may be. I'm realizing even more how much my childhood has created who I have become. Not completely, but a lot of it. It certainly isn't a scapegoat to say "oh, I learned/developed that at a young age so it's just who I am", but more of an "yes, I did do/say that and it's terribly ugly. I'm not proud of it and I'm sorry."
In the last few weeks, I've run over the toes of a few people in my life. The relationship with some is that which there is unconditional love, acceptance, and forgiveness--of which I am SO thankful for. There are yet others that the relationship is lacking much and may or may not be salvageable. Either way, I played my part in the situations and am ashamed of what the outcome was/has been, regardless of fault. I love people. I love relationships--maybe to a fault. I pour so much into them and most times, get run over. I love hard. I love strong. I commit WAY too fast. I trust too easy. I believe everyone WANTS to be honest. Sadly, these things, as much of a "strength" that they are, can be (and most times are) my downfall. You'd think that after countless times of being hurt, I'd understand this better, but alas, I don't. This time of transition is bringing some of this out. I'm excited about it. I'm ready to be able to set some boundaries. To stand for what I want. To not always "cater" to everyone around me (darn Acts of Service Love Language!). To love deeper and more meaningful, in a safe environment. It's all so good, yet so painful.
A glimpse into the funny and not so funny times of our young lives and the younger lives we call our children
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
A Familiar Twist
How do I even start this? Where do I begin?
More recently, Tom and I have been going to marriage counseling. There were things that we just needed to get out in the open, on the table, and hashed out (with boxing gloves if we needed to!) so that we can continue on with life. Some things are major, some are minor, none of which will end our marriage though. To keep the story fair, I'm not going to say anything about Tom's side of things. He's not here to defend (?) himself, although I'd never throw him under the bus. I just don't want to air his dirty laundry without his knowledge or opinion in the matter. ;)
Last night I had a personal session with our counselor, Dave. He's a great man, full of wisdom and guidance. When Tom and I decided to seek out his counseling, we had hit what felt like a roadblock in our marriage. He had disclosed some things to me that took me by surprise. In my surprise, I shut down emotionally, completely. I went thru some early "grieving" and then it stopped. I was empty. I wasn't happy, sad, excited, depressed. Nothing. It was the weirdest feeling EVER. So, off we went to see Dave. After 4-5 sessions together that were less than productive (for me--good sessions for Tom), Dave suggested I do a brain reprocessing therapy to help me get thoughts back into my head. I just kept telling him that I felt stuck. I couldn't get past something but I didn't know what that something was. The brain reprocessing therapy basically just a specialized therapy that engages both the left and right sides of your brain, allowing it to "relive" the negative (and positive) behaviors, actions, and feelings for any given situation. It's NOT hypnosis! I believe strongly against that an won't go there. So, last night was my first session of this brain reprocessing therapy.
I realized, after I was thru and home to be able to think about it all, that we make decisions, accusations, and judgements (internally or externally) based solely on what has happened to us in the past. I always knew that and have had that realization before, but until I went thru this therapy, I had no clue how MUCH events in your life (especially as a child) can create the structure for the person you will become. Your reactions, beliefs, feelings, etc... are all created from things that you may not even realize would affect you like that.
When I was 10, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. If you've been following this blog for awhile, you already know the story. If not, scroll down some a read it. ;) The weekend before I was diagnosed (literally, 3 days before I found out...), we were camping with some great friends. I was a happy, healthy 10 year old with a bright future in front of me. I had a mom and dad who loved me unconditionally, a brother and sister who, at the time, I thought were less than appealing to my life and caused more trouble than good..., and plenty of friends. In 3 days, my life changed, forever. The next year was difficult. Very difficult. I had to do things, see things, hear things, and experience things that no child should ever have to face. EVER. Only after going thru my therapy last night, was I able to draw a direct correlation from my cancer experience to the experience I was going thru with Tom. Cancer was traumatic, obviously. When Tom confided in me, I subconsciously interpreted his words to be traumatic, thus causing the reaction and emotional shut down. The first time I was face to face with trauma, albeit had a good ending, it was less than a pleasant experience. A full year of less than pleasant experiences actually. My subconscious reaction was that the trauma had "started" all over again. That I was going to face the same awful challenges for another year. Not something I wanted to revisit or relive. In all reality, the words he said were just that, words. There was no trauma attached. There was no year of complete and utter misery coming my direction. Although it will take us some time to work thru this, it's nothing in comparison to what I've already gone (and lived) thru, yet my reaction was completely opposite.
To add to this realization, I was able to go back thru my cancer memories, ask Jesus where he was at during the hard times, and receive some emotional healing in those memories, seeing that He was there the entire time, carrying me thru. His hand was on me and He understood. As I was able to talk with Jesus, I began to feel "open" in my head. I had thoughts and feelings about the situation with Tom! With God's help, I was able to feel again. He led me to a place of safety, security, guidance, and love. A place that, for as long as I've been a Christian, I've never fully experienced. For the first time this morning, I feel free. I feel like there's hope for me and for Tom and I. I had never given up hope, but just couldn't feel it. I feel like I CAN get thru this. God carried me thru the first time, and He's going to do it again.
More recently, Tom and I have been going to marriage counseling. There were things that we just needed to get out in the open, on the table, and hashed out (with boxing gloves if we needed to!) so that we can continue on with life. Some things are major, some are minor, none of which will end our marriage though. To keep the story fair, I'm not going to say anything about Tom's side of things. He's not here to defend (?) himself, although I'd never throw him under the bus. I just don't want to air his dirty laundry without his knowledge or opinion in the matter. ;)
Last night I had a personal session with our counselor, Dave. He's a great man, full of wisdom and guidance. When Tom and I decided to seek out his counseling, we had hit what felt like a roadblock in our marriage. He had disclosed some things to me that took me by surprise. In my surprise, I shut down emotionally, completely. I went thru some early "grieving" and then it stopped. I was empty. I wasn't happy, sad, excited, depressed. Nothing. It was the weirdest feeling EVER. So, off we went to see Dave. After 4-5 sessions together that were less than productive (for me--good sessions for Tom), Dave suggested I do a brain reprocessing therapy to help me get thoughts back into my head. I just kept telling him that I felt stuck. I couldn't get past something but I didn't know what that something was. The brain reprocessing therapy basically just a specialized therapy that engages both the left and right sides of your brain, allowing it to "relive" the negative (and positive) behaviors, actions, and feelings for any given situation. It's NOT hypnosis! I believe strongly against that an won't go there. So, last night was my first session of this brain reprocessing therapy.
I realized, after I was thru and home to be able to think about it all, that we make decisions, accusations, and judgements (internally or externally) based solely on what has happened to us in the past. I always knew that and have had that realization before, but until I went thru this therapy, I had no clue how MUCH events in your life (especially as a child) can create the structure for the person you will become. Your reactions, beliefs, feelings, etc... are all created from things that you may not even realize would affect you like that.
When I was 10, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. If you've been following this blog for awhile, you already know the story. If not, scroll down some a read it. ;) The weekend before I was diagnosed (literally, 3 days before I found out...), we were camping with some great friends. I was a happy, healthy 10 year old with a bright future in front of me. I had a mom and dad who loved me unconditionally, a brother and sister who, at the time, I thought were less than appealing to my life and caused more trouble than good..., and plenty of friends. In 3 days, my life changed, forever. The next year was difficult. Very difficult. I had to do things, see things, hear things, and experience things that no child should ever have to face. EVER. Only after going thru my therapy last night, was I able to draw a direct correlation from my cancer experience to the experience I was going thru with Tom. Cancer was traumatic, obviously. When Tom confided in me, I subconsciously interpreted his words to be traumatic, thus causing the reaction and emotional shut down. The first time I was face to face with trauma, albeit had a good ending, it was less than a pleasant experience. A full year of less than pleasant experiences actually. My subconscious reaction was that the trauma had "started" all over again. That I was going to face the same awful challenges for another year. Not something I wanted to revisit or relive. In all reality, the words he said were just that, words. There was no trauma attached. There was no year of complete and utter misery coming my direction. Although it will take us some time to work thru this, it's nothing in comparison to what I've already gone (and lived) thru, yet my reaction was completely opposite.
To add to this realization, I was able to go back thru my cancer memories, ask Jesus where he was at during the hard times, and receive some emotional healing in those memories, seeing that He was there the entire time, carrying me thru. His hand was on me and He understood. As I was able to talk with Jesus, I began to feel "open" in my head. I had thoughts and feelings about the situation with Tom! With God's help, I was able to feel again. He led me to a place of safety, security, guidance, and love. A place that, for as long as I've been a Christian, I've never fully experienced. For the first time this morning, I feel free. I feel like there's hope for me and for Tom and I. I had never given up hope, but just couldn't feel it. I feel like I CAN get thru this. God carried me thru the first time, and He's going to do it again.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My boys...
I always post funny things that the boys do or say, but I realized I've never really posted about them. About who they are, their little personalities, and their likes/dislikes. So, here's my attempt at that (while Ryder cries at my side...).
Payton. He's a firey little guy! We almost named him Aiden but when I realized it meant "fire", we decided not to because of the strong will I pictured to go with that name. Well, Let's just say... we COULD have named him Aiden! ha! Part of it might be that he's 3, but he's sure set in his ways--as has been since he was old enough to know what they were! I'm learning that his love languages are touch and quality time. If I was able, he'd "let" me sit with him ALL DAY LONG on the couch, watching Max and Ruby (his all time favorite show) or reading the countless books he (and I) have memorized. 3 night ago he got to be a "big boy" and move back into Ryder's room. So far that's gone well, except that when Ryder wakes up, Payton wakes up! So, this morning's 6am wake up call wasn't exciting. How I long for the days that they'll sleep in! He's learning about whining and how it's not fun to be around. He spends time alone during the day taking care of his attitude. He's always welcome to be around us when he decides to be fun, but since whining isn't, he's gotta go take care of it alone. I think just having to be away from all the action for more than 30 seconds is enough for him. I think (hope!) we're getting a hold on it all! We're starting to see some fruit. :) He has a love-hate relationship with Ryder. There are times that they play SO well together and I can see how good of friends they're going to be. Then there are times that I'm afraid if I don't keep them separate, someone's gonna get hurt! Ryder fights back pretty well, which I'm sure he's picked up from watching Payton. ;) Thankfully though, they're usually best buds. Payton has a few friends his age here, one of which he adores. Caleb is his little buddy and they play so well together. It's funny because, when they do play, they usually don't say a WORD to each other but are both so content. Boys... They're so cute!
Payton recently decided that he doesn't really want to eat. He'll usually eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast, have a small snack, a moderate lunch, and then NO dinner. He takes one look at it and says "I don't like it!" to which we reply "great! Nothing till breakfast! Go play!". We decided not to push the issue with him. He'll eat when he's hungry. If he starts loosing weight, we'll make a different choice, but for now, he's fine. He still is pretty uneven in his stature. He has a gigantic head, a big belly, short torso, and short legs. He's 3 and still wearing 24mo-2T clothes! His last stats (at 3 years exactly) were 8% for his height, 7% for his weight, and 95% for his head. For those of you NOT in baby land, that means that, for his height, 92% of 3 year olds are taller than him, 93% weigh more, and only 5% have a bigger head. The pediatrician isn't worried because he's stayed in those same percentiles for 2 years.
Ryder. Ryder is probably one of the best babies ever. Other than being SUPER attached at my hip due to the fact that I'm home with him all day every day, he's a happy-go-lucky little dude. Not much phases him--except for maybe his brother sometimes... ;) He's a schedule kid for sure. He has a bottle at the same times every day, takes his same time nap every day, has dinner at the same time ever day, and goes to bed at the same time every day. I'm pretty sure that's why he's so happy all the time--he's feeling super fulfilled in his routine. He's an AMAZING sleeper. He goes to be at 6-6:30 every night and some mornings (if it's quiet) will sleep until 7-7:30! Plus, he takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. God knew I needed an easy, even keeled child for this season of life. He's the perfect addition to our family and both Tom and I feel so blessed! He's walking all over the place now, and has even perfected his run! His vocab is growing every day too. His newest word is "pe-pa-bo" (peek-a-boo) and it's SO cute! He says "more, done, beba (his paci), hi, bye-bye, bubba, momma, dada, poop, owl, tickle (it sounds like tiki-tiki-tiki)...." I know there's more but I can't remember them all right now! Tom and I both think he's going to be the one that makes of laugh thru life. He just has that about him. Whether he's climbing all over his brothers or coming to give some loves, his little spirit is just so bright and cheery. Have I said before what an amazing baby he is!? Proportionately, he's WAY better than his brother too! He's pretty even at 40-60%'s for everything, with his weight being on the low side. I'm okay with that! He's easier to carry around, which he loves. :)
I'd love to go into detail about the other, but I just can't put too much info on here about him. He's still his same old talkative self, but, sadly, lost his singing talent. ;) He can't carry a tune in a bucket! It was cute while it lasted. After his last birthday, he has stepped into "attitude mode". If this is what teenage life is going to be like, I want out! lol. Not really... He's overall a good kid, but has his moments--as do you, I, and everyone else in this world! He's doing well in school and although he'd MUCH rather be talking/goofing around with his friends at school, he's really started applying himself to his learning. That could partly be because we had a "come to Jesus" meeting with him and told him that if his grades improved, we'd be more willing to allow him special privileges--more than what he has now. It could also be that he's really starting to not want to "let us down" (his words) and do what he said he would do. He's learning about different character traits and how it doesn't just affect him but that if affects the people around him when he chooses negative choices with his life. Tom and I are both so proud of the boy he's become, and the man he's becoming.
Payton. He's a firey little guy! We almost named him Aiden but when I realized it meant "fire", we decided not to because of the strong will I pictured to go with that name. Well, Let's just say... we COULD have named him Aiden! ha! Part of it might be that he's 3, but he's sure set in his ways--as has been since he was old enough to know what they were! I'm learning that his love languages are touch and quality time. If I was able, he'd "let" me sit with him ALL DAY LONG on the couch, watching Max and Ruby (his all time favorite show) or reading the countless books he (and I) have memorized. 3 night ago he got to be a "big boy" and move back into Ryder's room. So far that's gone well, except that when Ryder wakes up, Payton wakes up! So, this morning's 6am wake up call wasn't exciting. How I long for the days that they'll sleep in! He's learning about whining and how it's not fun to be around. He spends time alone during the day taking care of his attitude. He's always welcome to be around us when he decides to be fun, but since whining isn't, he's gotta go take care of it alone. I think just having to be away from all the action for more than 30 seconds is enough for him. I think (hope!) we're getting a hold on it all! We're starting to see some fruit. :) He has a love-hate relationship with Ryder. There are times that they play SO well together and I can see how good of friends they're going to be. Then there are times that I'm afraid if I don't keep them separate, someone's gonna get hurt! Ryder fights back pretty well, which I'm sure he's picked up from watching Payton. ;) Thankfully though, they're usually best buds. Payton has a few friends his age here, one of which he adores. Caleb is his little buddy and they play so well together. It's funny because, when they do play, they usually don't say a WORD to each other but are both so content. Boys... They're so cute!
Payton recently decided that he doesn't really want to eat. He'll usually eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast, have a small snack, a moderate lunch, and then NO dinner. He takes one look at it and says "I don't like it!" to which we reply "great! Nothing till breakfast! Go play!". We decided not to push the issue with him. He'll eat when he's hungry. If he starts loosing weight, we'll make a different choice, but for now, he's fine. He still is pretty uneven in his stature. He has a gigantic head, a big belly, short torso, and short legs. He's 3 and still wearing 24mo-2T clothes! His last stats (at 3 years exactly) were 8% for his height, 7% for his weight, and 95% for his head. For those of you NOT in baby land, that means that, for his height, 92% of 3 year olds are taller than him, 93% weigh more, and only 5% have a bigger head. The pediatrician isn't worried because he's stayed in those same percentiles for 2 years.
Ryder. Ryder is probably one of the best babies ever. Other than being SUPER attached at my hip due to the fact that I'm home with him all day every day, he's a happy-go-lucky little dude. Not much phases him--except for maybe his brother sometimes... ;) He's a schedule kid for sure. He has a bottle at the same times every day, takes his same time nap every day, has dinner at the same time ever day, and goes to bed at the same time every day. I'm pretty sure that's why he's so happy all the time--he's feeling super fulfilled in his routine. He's an AMAZING sleeper. He goes to be at 6-6:30 every night and some mornings (if it's quiet) will sleep until 7-7:30! Plus, he takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. God knew I needed an easy, even keeled child for this season of life. He's the perfect addition to our family and both Tom and I feel so blessed! He's walking all over the place now, and has even perfected his run! His vocab is growing every day too. His newest word is "pe-pa-bo" (peek-a-boo) and it's SO cute! He says "more, done, beba (his paci), hi, bye-bye, bubba, momma, dada, poop, owl, tickle (it sounds like tiki-tiki-tiki)...." I know there's more but I can't remember them all right now! Tom and I both think he's going to be the one that makes of laugh thru life. He just has that about him. Whether he's climbing all over his brothers or coming to give some loves, his little spirit is just so bright and cheery. Have I said before what an amazing baby he is!? Proportionately, he's WAY better than his brother too! He's pretty even at 40-60%'s for everything, with his weight being on the low side. I'm okay with that! He's easier to carry around, which he loves. :)
I'd love to go into detail about the other, but I just can't put too much info on here about him. He's still his same old talkative self, but, sadly, lost his singing talent. ;) He can't carry a tune in a bucket! It was cute while it lasted. After his last birthday, he has stepped into "attitude mode". If this is what teenage life is going to be like, I want out! lol. Not really... He's overall a good kid, but has his moments--as do you, I, and everyone else in this world! He's doing well in school and although he'd MUCH rather be talking/goofing around with his friends at school, he's really started applying himself to his learning. That could partly be because we had a "come to Jesus" meeting with him and told him that if his grades improved, we'd be more willing to allow him special privileges--more than what he has now. It could also be that he's really starting to not want to "let us down" (his words) and do what he said he would do. He's learning about different character traits and how it doesn't just affect him but that if affects the people around him when he chooses negative choices with his life. Tom and I are both so proud of the boy he's become, and the man he's becoming.
Payton
He's still funny! I FINALLY remembered a few from the last few days that I have to write down!
He was watching tv and there was a song on (I don't remember the song but I think it was a Kidz Bop commercial...) and all of a sudden he said:
P: Mom, that song is hi-dee-us!
M: (kinda off guard) huh? What did you just say?
P: I SAID, that song is HI-DEE-US! (hideous)
I just started laughing. How do you not? And, WHERE did he get that from?! We never even use that word!
****
Last night after dinner he was trying to get into my lap. I had reached around his little butt and felt his pants wet. Here's our convo:
M: Oh Payton... Mommy would LOVE to hold you but your pants are wet! Go into the potty.
P: My pants are wet from water!
M: From water? (it's obvious they weren't....) Did your cup spill?
P: No, my cup didn't spill! It's just water!
M: If your cup didn't spill, how did it get there?
P: It's water from my pee-pee. It's not pee. It's just water.
Nice.
He was watching tv and there was a song on (I don't remember the song but I think it was a Kidz Bop commercial...) and all of a sudden he said:
P: Mom, that song is hi-dee-us!
M: (kinda off guard) huh? What did you just say?
P: I SAID, that song is HI-DEE-US! (hideous)
I just started laughing. How do you not? And, WHERE did he get that from?! We never even use that word!
****
Last night after dinner he was trying to get into my lap. I had reached around his little butt and felt his pants wet. Here's our convo:
M: Oh Payton... Mommy would LOVE to hold you but your pants are wet! Go into the potty.
P: My pants are wet from water!
M: From water? (it's obvious they weren't....) Did your cup spill?
P: No, my cup didn't spill! It's just water!
M: If your cup didn't spill, how did it get there?
P: It's water from my pee-pee. It's not pee. It's just water.
Nice.
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