A Familiar Twist

How do I even start this? Where do I begin?

More recently, Tom and I have been going to marriage counseling. There were things that we just needed to get out in the open, on the table, and hashed out (with boxing gloves if we needed to!) so that we can continue on with life. Some things are major, some are minor, none of which will end our marriage though. To keep the story fair, I'm not going to say anything about Tom's side of things. He's not here to defend (?) himself, although I'd never throw him under the bus. I just don't want to air his dirty laundry without his knowledge or opinion in the matter. ;)

Last night I had a personal session with our counselor, Dave. He's a great man, full of wisdom and guidance. When Tom and I decided to seek out his counseling, we had hit what felt like a roadblock in our marriage. He had disclosed some things to me that took me by surprise. In my surprise, I shut down emotionally, completely. I went thru some early "grieving" and then it stopped. I was empty. I wasn't happy, sad, excited, depressed. Nothing. It was the weirdest feeling EVER. So, off we went to see Dave. After 4-5 sessions together that were less than productive (for me--good sessions for Tom), Dave suggested I do a brain reprocessing therapy to help me get thoughts back into my head. I just kept telling him that I felt stuck. I couldn't get past something but I didn't know what that something was. The brain reprocessing therapy basically just a specialized therapy that engages both the left and right sides of your brain, allowing it to "relive" the negative (and positive) behaviors, actions, and feelings for any given situation. It's NOT hypnosis! I believe strongly against that an won't go there. So, last night was my first session of this brain reprocessing therapy.

I realized, after I was thru and home to be able to think about it all, that we make decisions, accusations, and judgements (internally or externally) based solely on what has happened to us in the past. I always knew that and have had that realization before, but until I went thru this therapy, I had no clue how MUCH events in your life (especially as a child) can create the structure for the person you will become. Your reactions, beliefs, feelings, etc... are all created from things that you may not even realize would affect you like that.

When I was 10, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. If you've been following this blog for awhile, you already know the story. If not, scroll down some a read it. ;) The weekend before I was diagnosed (literally, 3 days before I found out...), we were camping with some great friends. I was a happy, healthy 10 year old with a bright future in front of me. I had a mom and dad who loved me unconditionally, a brother and sister who, at the time, I thought were less than appealing to my life and caused more trouble than good..., and plenty of friends. In 3 days, my life changed, forever. The next year was difficult. Very difficult. I had to do things, see things, hear things, and experience things that no child should ever have to face. EVER. Only after going thru my therapy last night, was I able to draw a direct correlation from my cancer experience to the experience I was going thru with Tom. Cancer was traumatic, obviously. When Tom confided in me, I subconsciously interpreted his words to be traumatic, thus causing the reaction and emotional shut down. The first time I was face to face with trauma, albeit had a good ending, it was less than a pleasant experience. A full year of less than pleasant experiences actually. My subconscious reaction was that the trauma had "started" all over again. That I was going to face the same awful challenges for another year. Not something I wanted to revisit or relive. In all reality, the words he said were just that, words. There was no trauma attached. There was no year of complete and utter misery coming my direction. Although it will take us some time to work thru this, it's nothing in comparison to what I've already gone (and lived) thru, yet my reaction was completely opposite.

To add to this realization, I was able to go back thru my cancer memories, ask Jesus where he was at during the hard times, and receive some emotional healing in those memories, seeing that He was there the entire time, carrying me thru. His hand was on me and He understood. As I was able to talk with Jesus, I began to feel "open" in my head. I had thoughts and feelings about the situation with Tom! With God's help, I was able to feel again. He led me to a place of safety, security, guidance, and love. A place that, for as long as I've been a Christian, I've never fully experienced. For the first time this morning, I feel free. I feel like there's hope for me and for Tom and I. I had never given up hope, but just couldn't feel it. I feel like I CAN get thru this. God carried me thru the first time, and He's going to do it again.