Transition

Transition is such a funny thing. Sometimes it's a "good" transition--going from something bad/hard to something that's better, such as a new job. It seems though, that most times transition is a negative season of life. Maybe that's because we don't notice the positive times of transition? Or, maybe it's truly because transition, more times than not, is a hard season of life. Or MAYBE it's because the hard place we're in has to get better, but it takes working on the matters of the heart to get it better. I'm placing my bets on option 3. Transition is a season meant to stretch us beyond what we think we're capable of. So far so, that it feels if one more thing happens, we're going to break. I'm there. It's ugly. I'm learning so much about my own life: my issues, my breaking point (aka: daycare.), my ability to unconditionally love, my patience, what I am made of, the positive things I have to offer to any given relationship in my life... The list goes on. The ugliest parts of me are rearing their heads and it's a dark place. Those things NEED the Light shown on them so they can't exist any longer, however uncomfortable that may be. I'm realizing even more how much my childhood has created who I have become. Not completely, but a lot of it. It certainly isn't a scapegoat to say "oh, I learned/developed that at a young age so it's just who I am", but more of an "yes, I did do/say that and it's terribly ugly. I'm not proud of it and I'm sorry."

In the last few weeks, I've run over the toes of a few people in my life. The relationship with some is that which there is unconditional love, acceptance, and forgiveness--of which I am SO thankful for. There are yet others that the relationship is lacking much and may or may not be salvageable. Either way, I played my part in the situations and am ashamed of what the outcome was/has been, regardless of fault. I love people. I love relationships--maybe to a fault. I pour so much into them and most times, get run over. I love hard. I love strong. I commit WAY too fast. I trust too easy. I believe everyone WANTS to be honest. Sadly, these things, as much of a "strength" that they are, can be (and most times are) my downfall. You'd think that after countless times of being hurt, I'd understand this better, but alas, I don't. This time of transition is bringing some of this out. I'm excited about it. I'm ready to be able to set some boundaries. To stand for what I want. To not always "cater" to everyone around me (darn Acts of Service Love Language!). To love deeper and more meaningful, in a safe environment. It's all so good, yet so painful.